"My Friends Get To"

"Mommmm?" my 15 year old boy asked me on the phone this weekend. And something about the way he drew that word out told me I wasn't going to like this question. "Yes?"

"Can (note, grammar was not my first concern here) P. and I rent an R rated movie?"

"Make another choice. But I super appreciate your calling and asking."

"But P.'s mom said it was okay."

"That's their family's choice. Not ours. Please choose a different movie." And that was the end of it.

Actually I was surprised he used the "my friends get to" strategy. He hasn't for a long time. It's never worked.

It didn't work this time.

It never will.

I know there have been times that this has cost my kids socially. Even when they were very young, I have seen friends fall away as my kids have not been allowed to do everything those friends have been able to do. Not horrible, dangerous things. But things on that slippery slope. I figure if we can't say no to the little things now, we're sure not going to be strong enough to say no to the really big things later. Things that are dangerous like, say, loading up a car with a bunch of friends and racing around town. And if we as adults can't stand up to the peer pressure of our kids friends, how on earth can we expect our kids to?

Anyway, this amazing thing happened. As some friends fell away my kids found awesome new friends. I mean I love my kids close friends. They are really good people. And this is a very good thing for all of us.

See, once you have that trust suddenly you don't have to be all up their business all the time.

My kids tell me where they are. Who they're with. What they're up to. And that's pretty much all I need to know.

I tell them I love them. Be safe. I'll see you soon. And that's pretty much all they need to know.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Isn't it amazing how much our kids pick up from us?

When they're tiny they are literally little parrots. "Say bye-bye." "Bye-bye." "Say thank you." "Thank you."

As they get older they pick up our mannerisms, our gestures. They walk like us. They talk like us. Think of the Rodney Atkins song, I Been Watching You. That's what I'm talking about.

Where's the one place they probably watch us most intently because there's just not that much else to do? That's right...the car. Experts say they watch from a very young age. And that your kids will drive the way you do.

Now you may think you're experienced enough to juggle a cell phone, a sandwich and a steering wheel all at the same time but no teenaged driver is. Trouble is, they might not realize that. Monkey see, monkey do.

A local drivers' education company called Training Wheels has surveyed all of its students for the past several years. Most kids say their parents speed and drive aggressively.

They been watching you!

No Concessions

I refuse to give up on teenagers.

I refuse to concede the following points:

All kids drink
All kids use drugs
All kids have sex

Beccause those statements simply aren't true.

Some kids do. But the minute you decide you're not going to bother talking to your kids about things like sex and drinking because they're going to do it anyway; you have lost. Period.

You would be suprised how much it matters to kids what their parents tell them. Especially if those messages have been consistant throughout childhood. The research supports it: kids listen to their parents. The influence of peers, if parents are making their expectations clear,has been overestimated. This is really good news. So keep talking!

Nice Assets

Nice Assets. Seriously. There’s nothing hotter than a nice tight asset.

I’m all about the asset. I have been since I first got exposed to the whole good asset thing.

A good asset’s gonna get you a long way in life, right?

And actually, it just might.

Of all the stories I’ve done on teens and how to help them do well and stay out of trouble, the thing that’s made the most sense to me was the idea of building assets in their lives.

Assets, simply put, are all the good things kids need to “get raised up right,” as one teen I recently interviewed put it. It’s a term used by the Search Institute of Minneapolis. Researchers there have interviewed 2.2 million kids...that’s a lot of input...and come up with a super specific list of what kids need. Forget all the academic stuff, right? Just tell me what to do. I love a list. And better yet, they break the list down by age. What do second graders need. How about kids in high school? This is as close to a recipe as you’re going to get.

The beauty of the assets approach is that it puts the responsibility for raising kids up right on all of us. Good thing, because there are 40 things on the list. For example, one of the assets is a caring neighborhood. The Search Institute’s website even gives you ideas of how to play this out, like, let the kids in your hood play basketball in your driveway or don’t be afraid to bust them when you catch them doing something bad. Or don’t get pissed when a neighbor busts your kids. How about be grateful instead?

The truth is I used to be afraid of teenagers. Especially the boys. Big. Noisy. All attitude and up in your face. When years back a couple of them moved in across the street I thought, crap, loud cars, loud parties, a there goes the neighborhood kind of thing. But it wasn’t long before I got to love having those guys and their friends hanging around outside. If I needed help lifting something heavy there was always someone bigger and stronger who was eager to run over and help. And there was something reassuring about hearing their young voices murmuring in the yard across the way as I fell asleep on a Friday or Saturday night. I began to see them as our neighborhood’s late night sentries...the keepers of the cul de sac. Nobody was getting into our neighborhood without passing them first.

Now I’ve got a couple of teenagers. Big. Noisy. But with surprisingly good attitudes. We’ve tried to “raise ‘em up right.” We’ve been pretty intentional about giving them assets. I have made plenty of blunders along the way. Last night’s dust up over my son’s lit essay comes to mind. But, hey we’re supposed to have high expectations for him, right? (Asset #16). And, besides, if he gets too fed up with me, there are other adults in his life he can turn to for support (asset #3).

If you want to see the entire list of developmental assets click here. Find the list that applies to the age of your child or children. Once you get there be sure to click on “show me how to take action.”