"Extreme Parenting: An Update"

Some of you had strong reactions to the synopsis of Amy Chua's new book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother (see previous post).

Today I heard a bit of her interview with Minnesota Public Radio's Keri Miller (awesome journalist and interviewer) as Chua defended both her book (written partly tongue in cheek, she explained) and her approach to parenting. Hey, her kids grew into good people.

I'm anxious to hear the rest of the interview and I thought you might like to catch it to. So here's the link.

"Extreme Parenting"

I'm not sure whether to be impressed or horrified by the parenting style of the woman who wrote this column. Probably horrified. But I don't want to influence you.

It sure was fun to read the column out loud to my kids this weekend. For two reasons. First, I don't look nearly so demanding in comparison. Second, because both of my kids were given the gift of musical talent. I'll be honest, if I'd had my way, we would have done more to nurture that. We gave them lessons but we didn't push. I believe we chose the path of least resistance. My husband believes we gave them balance.

They both were involved in sports, which they enjoyed, but at which they are not, shall we say, gifted. I recognize that involvement in these team activities were important parts of their development. But might we also have done them a disservice by not helping them take their musical gifts further. Right now they don't think so. I suspect some day they'll agree.

I'll tell you one thing, I can' imagine never letting my child have a play date, attend a sleep over, play in the park. And I can't imagine holding their toys hostage. That little girl's excitement when she finally mastered her difficult piano piece sure was compelling. But at what cost?

"Leave Time for Fun"

A local mom and teacher had this to say about the huge amount of homework kids get.

Tell me about it.

My boy is hunkered down in his room as I write this. His once sunny disposition is steadily being clouded by the stress of an AP class. I admire his willingness to take on such a tough class but I almost wish he hadn't. I want my boy back!

"Hazelden's Sobering Tips for Kids Headed for College"

Here's some information from the Hazelden Treatment Program you should share with your teen as they approach college age.

We talked a lot of drinking and drugs with our girl before she left for college.

We told her again and again that we did not want her to spend her college years partying. That not every college student does. That there can be life-long consequences from the behavior. That she was going to college to learn. And you know what? I think she listened.

I refuse to concede the point. I refuse to believe all college students drink and smoke weed.

Here's the Hazelden report:

SOBERING TIPS FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS ABOUT
DRINKING AND DRUGS

Hazelden offers tips to college students on dealing with drinking,
drug use, alcoholism and drug addiction.

Fall semester marks the time for millions of college students across the country to decorate their rooms, settle into class once again – and get drunk.

Of the 18.2 million students enrolled in colleges in the United States, nearly three-quarters of them reported drinking at least occasionally. "Many students think drinking, smoking and other drug use are their rites of passage. But, there can be serious negative consequences, even for occasional users," said psychiatrist Joseph Lee, M.D., adolescent addiction specialist at Hazelden's Center for Youth and Families in Plymouth, Minn.

The consequences of alcohol use and abuse affect nearly all college students, whether they choose to drink or not. Consider that, according to research, 1,825 college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die annually from alcohol-related unintentional injuries, including car crashes. Another 599,000 are unintentionally injured under the influence of alcohol, and about 25 percent of college students report academic consequences of their drinking.

For students who think they don't have a problem and are just out for a good time, Dr. Lee suggests keeping in mind whether drinking might be playing too big a part in their lives. "Missing class, blacking out or experiencing legal problems because of use, or using more to feel the effects are all signs that a student should get a handle on the situation by contacting the school's counseling center," he said. If a student isn't ready to contact a counselor, keeping track of use for a month or completing a confidential online assessment are alternatives.

Pre-gaming – drinking several alcoholic beverages or using drugs before attending a party with the intent to get drunk – is a popular, and dangerous, practice among many college students. "Pre-gaming and binge drinking put students at greater risk for everything from assault and injury to death from alcohol poisoning," Dr. Lee warned.

And, for underage students who avoid obtaining help for a friend who's passed out for fear of getting caught for drinking themselves, Dr. Lee has this advice: "Your friend's life could be in the balance. Even though there may be personal repercussions to consider, what's more important?"
Next to alcohol, marijuana is the most used and abused drug by college students, and there's a common misperception that it's harmless. However, much like alcohol, marijuana affects people in different ways. For some, it has the effect of calming the nerves. For others, it can induce panic attacks. In fact, anxiety and panic attacks are the most common negative side effects of marijuana use.

If a student doesn't know where to turn, or whom to trust, for straight answers to questions about drinking and drugs, Dr. Lee suggests seeking help from a college or university counseling center or the campus' health services. They can also recommend other trustworthy services and resources. Reliable sources for information about alcohol and drug use, abuse and addiction include:
• Call Hazelden toll-free at 800-257-7810
• Abovetheinfluence.com
• Your school's crisis line
About Hazelden

Hazelden, a national nonprofit organization founded in 1949, helps people reclaim their lives from the disease of addiction. Built on decades of knowledge and experience, Hazelden offers a comprehensive approach to addiction that addresses the full range of patient, family, and professional needs, including treatment and continuing care for youth and adults, research, higher education, public education and advocacy, and publishing. It currently has facilities in Minnesota, Oregon, Illinois, New York and Florida.
Hazelden is committed to protecting the privacy of people who participate in Hazelden programs and abides by all applicable federal and state laws that protect such confidentiality.

I hope you can use this information to help keep your children safe and healthy.

"Blogging Mamas and Their Cyber Babies"

We blogging moms may spend a lot of time on our computers but we worry about how much time our kids do. And we set limits on their access to technology. At least so say the results of a survey done by Parenting Magazine and BlogHer in conjunction with the recent BlogHer convention in New York. Overall, most of us believe technology is a good thing for us and our families.

If you want to read more about these poll results, I'll link you to a New York Times Magazine Motherlode blog post. Just click here.

'Good Bye Bonfire"

My daughter had a bonfire in our backyard the night before her best friend left for college. Lots of kids showed up, although I noticed that their group has already begun to get smaller as one by one they head out on their new lives.


I wanted to be sure to be awake when all the kids had left just in case my girl was feeling sad and wanted to talk (as if) about her best friend's departure. But I was feeling unusually tired. I figured if I laid down in her room even if I dozed off I'd awaken when she came up for bed.


But here's the thing: Lying in her room, every time I closed my eyes I pictured my girl as a toddler. Running in the yard. Playing in the park. Walking around the lake with me. Holding my hand. Snuggling in bed with me. You get the idea.

And every time I opened my eyes I was confronted with the stack of boxes she's already packed to take to college.


I went back to my own room. And started to sob. Hard.


My husband: "It just doesn't make sense how you're reacting. This is an exciting time. A happy time."


Me: "It just doesn't make sense how you're reacting. All dry eyed and unemotional. Aren't you going to miss her?"


My husband: "Of course."


I went back to my girl's room. Before long everyone but my girl's two best friends had left. The three girls came up to my daughter's room and found me red eyed. I hugged the girls who have stuck with my daughter through those tough teen years and told them I loved them. We said our good byes.


"It didn't help that we saw Toy Story yesterday, did it?" one of her friends asked.


It did not.


Have you seen it?


It is a fantastic movie. Must see for every parent. Seriously. One of the moms suggested the three girls and their mamas see it together before the friends head off to college. Um...brutal.

B-R-U-T-A-L.


If you don't know the story, Andy is all grown up now and headed for college. He has to decide what to do with his beloved toys, including Woody and Buzz Lightyear. Of course the toys have many adventures throughout the film but in the end there is this painful decision. He is dreading it. The toys are dreading it. I am dreading it.


About the time Andy's mom walks into his mostly empty bedroom I lose it completely. Without spoiling anything for anyone who hasn't seen it, this is a movie about letting go. But also about sticking together. About moving on and about intense loyalty.


Here is what you need to know about me: I do not cry daintily. I wish I did. I admire it so. I am not the type who lets ladylike tears run down her face. I sob. I heave. I gasp for breath. I blow my nose. It is noisy. It is messy. It is embarrassing for three teenagers who are sitting with me in a theater.


But what could I do? This movies is killing me. K-I-L-L-I-N-G me.


The movie ends. I feel compelled to explain to the mother in front of me with the three little girls, one of whom is wearing glitter covered sneakers that periodically illuminate in the darkened theater, that I just watched the movie with my college bound daughter and her two best friends.


She is sweet. She is understanding. "Awww. It must be so hard."


"Just...you..wait..." I manage to stammer. "It...will...c...c...c...ome...f...f...faster...than...y...y...y...you...think."


And with that cheery thought we waltz out gripping our girls.

And the very next night it was time to say good bye.

After her friends had left I sat a while with my daughter on her bed. Me eyes were puffy. My face streaked with tears.

She threw her arm around my shoulder and said, "Mom, you're a mess."

What could I do but put my head on her shoulder and marvel that my very grown up girl was now comforting me.

"College Bound"

My husband has begun helping my daughter shop for her dorm room.

I know, it seems like that should be my job.

But I am paralyzed.

And he is not.

He is organized.

He is matter of fact.

He is moving on.

What is it about men?

Anyway there is still plenty more to do. And I'm sure I will swing into action. Any month now.

In the meantime, for those of you who are sending your beloveds off to college and suffering from both grief and severe budget shock, here is a blog post from today's New York Times website about how to save money on text books.

It offers no suggestions on getting past the planning paralysis. I'm working that out on my own.